Computer Crash

Well my computer crashed yesterday...lost a lot of my stuff...stuff that can't be replaced. I know it sounds really stupid but it hurt to lose those things...because I had spent so much time working on them...and for it to all just go...man, it's hard to take. I lost some of my music...but I can always buy CDs again...I lost all of my archived emails, some of which were 5 years old...huge text files...very sentimental...gone. My poetry...I don't know if I lost anything that isn't somewhere else...because I take the paper copy and type it up, then throw away the paper...I'm just glad I posted the majority of it on here so at least I still have that stuff. I lost all my games...which I suppose isn't a major loss...you can always download them again or buy them...although it takes a lot of time on a 56k modem to regain several gigabytes of info. I also lost a lot of pictures: of friends, of the moon, of me, pictures of bands I like (a lot of them), but I guess the biggest loss of all is time. I've spent so much time organizing and arranging my stuff, and using it; for that work to go just feels like a lot of my time was stolen from me...and I guess it all goes to that Bible verse: "do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth where thieves break in and the moth destroys" (and where computers crash!)...I guess it's in Matthew, but I don't know. So I think the best thing to do is let the stuff go...it's gone...and not make things more important than they should be in the future...also to back up my stuff! But really, honestly...if our house burnt to the ground and I lost everything...I would really hurt...even though God would still be there for me. He's the one thing that the world can't take away...so if everything is taken from me and I feel bitter about it...does that mean that I'm wrong? Deep inside I feel that it means I've not made God everything to me...even though I sing it and pray it..."God be everything to me" it's just not happened yet...but God promised that He would finish the work he began in me, so I'll hold on to that promise, and even though I'm not sinless and selfless yet, I trust that one day I will be. That's all I have to hope in...and if it's not true then what is the point in Christ dying? Surely He died to set us free, and if it's an incomplete freedom, is it freedom at all. So then Christ has set us free and so we are free indeed. I am free from sin...it will just take some time to remove it's effects completely from my life. But in the spiritual realm I am free already...God I won't give up...cause when everything is gone...You aren't...You're always here for me and I know You won't leave me alone.

Leaver's Dance...and Love

Well, I'm debating with myself whether or not to go to my Leaver's Dance (like the Prom). The thing is that it could very likely be a big flop and I'd be wasting my time. I went to the Valentine's Day dance earlier in the year and it wasn't all that great...but if my friends go to the Leaver's then maybe it'll be ok...I could at least talk to them...or else just hang with the wall, you know like:

Jordan: What's hangin' man?
Wall: Nothin'...no new pictures or plaques lately...
Jordan: Aww, too bad bro...
Wall: Yeah, I know and I'm pretty flat about it.

Heh, well anyway, the other thing is if I should go with someone or not. I already paid for the single ticket, but I suppose I could just pay the extra if I do ask someone...but I really don't think I will. The other guys probably think I'm crazy to go to a leaver's dance without a date, but I'd rather not get involved right now...I won't be here much longer, and it'd only make leaving hard, and I don't wanna go though all that over again. I just can't bring myself to pursue a relationship which I know will be temporary. I want the first one to be The One...so I'm saving myself for her...if indeed God wants me to get married.

'It's not good for man to be alone,' says the Bible.

And that was even when man was still in fellowship with God; before sin entered the picture. Yet I feel that I should be able to be satisfied completely with God. I'm trying to be satisfied in Him, and make Him my best friend, my most intimate companion, but it's so hard. I sometimes think girls have it easier than guys. God is a father figure, right? So...that's male...and it's just weird trying to love a male when I' one myself...yeah, it's not the same, but the idea is. God has no gender...He's a spirit, so our spirits should blend. It's just so hard to grasp, because it's a love that mankind does not understand...agape love.

A love for God. I feel it a lot...mostly in worship, but I'm never satisfied unless I'm constantly worshipping, and that's not really practical. Yeah, worshipping is not just music. It's a lifestyle. But I'm not perfect yet, so I can't always worship with my lifestyle. And even though I know that God is with me in my loneliness, it still fails to console me...there's an aching in my heart for someone to love. I know it was put there by God, so surely He can fill that need. There must have been a reason why God still made Eve for Adam, even though Adam and He had the closest relationship man has ever had (sin was not there) with God. Yet, wouldn't a relationship with another human detract from the relationship with God? After all, Paul wasn't married, and he was one of the greatest apostles of all time...part of me wants that, but the rest of me just can't remain alone.

The other hindrance is the thought that I could only ever love someone for this lifetime. This brief life...then we die and go to Heaven. But there's no marriage in Heaven (so says the Bible) and so we would no longer have that type of relationship anymore. I suppose when we get to that point God will be all that we want and He would take away any desire that we previously had for anything other than Him. Yet there's a sense of tragedy in that lost love...I can't be at peace about it. To love someone then lose them. Would we actually gain them as well as everybody else forever? If the church becomes the Bride of Christ, then are we all to become one spirit and then marry God? Will my spirit be mixed and lost with all the other billions of spirits from eternity to become one consciousness that loves God? Or would it be more like everyone is still individual, but we all love each other and God? It seems weird...I guess it's just the whole idea of a gender-free spirit that I can't fathom. Is the spirit of a man and a woman exactly the same? Even though we seem so different (more than just the physical)...maybe we're all just the same, which makes me feel unoriginal and not special.

Whatever...all I know is there is a desire in my heart for love...to give my heart to someone...without a doubt I know that I must do such to God, but is there someone else too? Where are you my love? Come soon...

Hope

Just something I want to say...no matter who you are reading this...no matter what you've gone through or are going through now. Life gets difficult at time, but don't give up. Never give up on yourself. I think you'll find that hope is a more faithful friend than you may have ever thought possible. Never give up hope.

Back from the US - Time for Change

I've decided to change the colours that symbolise my life. No longer black and red...now white and red. Rather than the darkness in my heart, now the light of truth. Still red, but no longer my blood paying for my sins, but Jesus' blood covering them. I realise that I so often surround myself with things which do me no good and simply help me to continue in my depression rather than get me out of it. Dragons and skulls, heavy metal music, screaming, knives and blood, suicide and self-mutilation, full moons and cold wind. These have been the symbols of my depressed life. Yet having them has never helped me...I'm not going to live and die just another loser in this world, I'm gonna do something with myself.

Why the change all of a sudden? Well, where do I start? So much has gone on in my life lately. I finally got to visit America after three and a half years of absence. It has totally changed my world perspective, which is weird because I've lived there before. I guess it's the long absence and conformity to Africa that caused it. When I first arrived, it was like a dream...drifting through memories as I looked out the car window driving from the airport...the night lights of a city...a city from my past...so many memories, bitter and sweet, both. I got to see many things on my trip; looked at some universities. I have no idea where I want to go because I don't know where God wants me to go. But I'm content to wait on Him for the decision. I'm through with listening to my feelings and putting them on my throne, giving them full reign in my life.

I don't really know where the change happened...was it when Heather asked about my quiet times? Can such a simple question be the pebble that sets the rockslide? I know not, but I know for sure that something in me changed on that trip. After I spent a long time crying on the bathroom floor, trying not to let my dad hear me in the room outside, I just broke...I surrendered. Because I had nothing left in me. Nothing left. I saw an old friend, saw how she had grown and matured, yet still retained a joy in her that's so infectious. I felt ashamed at my static life. How so little had happened spiritually to me. I've hardly been held accountable by anyone these three and a half years. I've just kept to myself, held my sorrow to my heart and cradled it, making it my only companion. It's been a lonely existence. Surrounded by people, but feeling farther away than ever, everyone just a blur as I sit and stare into nothing, giving attention to no one but my loneliness. I let it eat at me bit by bit and leaving me hollow, empty...when I saw what I had become, I caved in and cried all the years of pain into Jesus' arms. I gave up trying to control my life. That's what I've been afraid of for so long...losing control...letting someone else take the wheel and drive my life, so afraid that they'll hurt me and leave me alone again after ripping my heart out.

But You, oh God, have never left those who search after You. (Psalm 9:10)

I will make that verse my prayer, my hope and I will trust in God from now on. So much healing has to take place in my heart, it will take time, but I won't worry. Even though part of me is panicking about University and moving away, I won't listen to it, because it's never gotten me anywhere before. I put all of my hope in God...and I leave none in myself, because I am hopeless. I allowed Satan to lie to me and steal my life. He is kicked out now, but damage has been done. God is a healer. I will be healed; the scars will go someday. Until then, all to Him.

I don't know what I want to be in life. I've done well in Maths, Physics, English...I like writing poetry, but I feel that the poetry I've written to date is very selfish and depressing, and how does that glorify God? How does learning super string theory glorify God? And knowing Math processes is only so beneficial. My soul yearns for a deeper meaning and spiritual truth. No matter what I do, I want God to use me. As long as I can rest in knowing that what I put my life towards gives Him the smallest bit of pleasure, I will be satisfied that I have done what I was made for. Even if my guitar skills never improve enough to write music, I'll do what I can and help out at band...I'll keep writing and make my own songs for God. If they're never good enough for CD, all well, it's not about fame or fortune, it's about God. I just want to please God...

I'm not just a man that's been lost in this world, lost in a sea of faces. Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine, because You traded your life for mine. (Kutless "Sea of Faces")

This lyric reflects very well what I feel right now. I'm not going to heaven as a nobody who never did anything for God. And I don't know how to change or be a better person, since I've kept trying but never succeeded, except throw it all on God...I'll humbly put my problems at God's feet and tell Him I can't do it anymore...will You take over, Lord?

Tuesday Boredom

Watched Hunted during breakfast and Phase IV after I started the sprinkler. I went to band practice, learning that there WAS a youth service next Sunday. I played my electric on my amp (Shungu wasn't there to lend me his amp). It sounded horrible...garbled and fuzzy. Rob was leading and had quite a few songs that we hadn't done much at all. I really struggled through it. Nick said that my guitar didn't sound right. That's two guys saying that. Perhaps I can't have my drop C tuning anymore. If I only had another guitar, I could have one normal tuning and the other drop C...well band ended...I still felt alienated from everyone...Dad wanted to check on Fife Street before going home. We got home and had supper...blah, blah...boring, boring...and now I should go to bed and repeat my boredom tomorrow.

Monday Emotions

A rather uneventful day. I woke up a bit late, due to my late night (again), and did my exercises (32). I finally swept the pool today and backwashed. I watered, and did the usual. I saw some rain clouds, but it never rained...hopefully it will tomorrow or the next day. Ever since I've been doing this gardening stuff, I've come to love the rain quite fondly and gladly welcome it. I've always liked the rain, but now it's coming heralds much more to me than it used to (no work!!!). Anyway, I finished and went swimming for a bit to cool off, then read some more Antony and Cleopatra until supper. We ate together at the table (a rare occurrence lately) and then we - minus Mom - watched the last Marriage video on the responsibility of the husband as being to be loving. So true...it makes me see a lot of weaknesses in some relationships I've seen. Being loving is so much more than emotional feelings, but it includes actions and a purposed will and choice to push onward in spite of contrary feelings to love the other person. And how powerful it must be when one overcomes one's emotions. I struggle with that - I feel like feelings are all that matter and dictate what you do...sure I've known that I shouldn't let them rule me, but I've not been very successful in suppressing them. Emotions are quite strong in me...and I cherish them almost to a fault...because I find it difficult to let go of the past pains and continue in joy. Well, I should go to bed now...

Loneliness at Church

Church in the morning was OK. Dave Shepherd spoke; a fairly good message, though with some rather odd stuff.

When we got home we watched Sleeping Dictionary. It was an OK movie, though a bit risque (probably rated R or something, cause we had to fast forward some stuff). It was set in the East, so I enjoyed the environment of the movie at least.

At 3, I left for practice, picking up Kole on the way. It went pretty well, though Gordon was a bit rough around the edges, complaining about my guitar tuning and about not having enough time to do the songs. He reminds me of Dad sometimes. The faster songs went pretty well; I enjoyed playing them. The slow worship songs I didn't play, on account of Gordon needing the chords for one of them, and so used mine, leaving me none, and I didn't feel comfortable playing the rest because of Gordon's complaints. Sometimes I'm not sure how to play on a worship song, especially with having an electric guitar. I try to take off the distortion, but it still sounds so loud and disruptive, so I just keep quiet. It seems acoustic guitars are best for those songs, but I should learn lead guitar so I can play that for those situations.

Rob did the preaching and after the service, we went to Haefeli's as usual. Shungu said he had to go somewhere really quick and then come back and have to go home, so I only expected to be there for 20 minutes or so. I walked in and tried to find someone to talk to and hang with but I couldn't find anyone unoccupied. Geraldine and Lisa said 'hi' from a nearby table, and I asked if Tom liked the party the other night. She said he enjoyed it quite a lot (coolio). Shungu saw us talking (he hadn't left yet) and asked them to 'take care of me' until he came back. They pulled a chair up for me, and so I had no choice but to sit. Geraldine asked a few questions about the holidays, all of which I had very mundane answers to. Then we all awkwardly sat there, as they got out their cell phones to SMS, and I was left, uncomfortably sitting there surrounded by girls.

I saw Alvero across the room and got up at the opportunity to escape. As I got to him, he started talking with a girl, so I waited. After a bit, the girl left and I asked Alvero if there was going to be any band practice on Tuesday if there was not going to be any evening service next week. He said that it'd probably just be a sosh practice. Steve and Gar came by and said 'hi' to me and Alvero, and joked about my dancing at the party: "Did you check Stonecold JC's grooves!? They were tight!" I just smiled, embarrassed. Then Alvero left the group to talk to someone else, and the other guys left too, so I was just standing there with no one to talk to.

Then I spotted Kole at the counter ordering twisty-bread and walked over to him. I asked him about his Winamp5 installation disc and he said he could get it to me during the week. He then went over to a table with Kylie and Tom (the English Tom, not the CBC one) and some black guy I've never seen. Kole invited me to sit, so I sat...and sat...Kylie was absorbed with Tom, the two ignoring everyone else at the table. The black guy looked like he was related to Sami due to similarities in his facial features (namely his nose). He was very slowly and meticulously drawing two sets of three small dashes on top of each other on a serviette and then asked Kole to make an 'S' out of it. He couldn't, and Kylie couldn't then I asked to try (I'd done this before, but simply as a doodle thing. It's not supposed to be hard or anything!) and drew the 'S.' The guy then started talking to me. He asked where I was from, probably because of my accent. I told him and he then proceeded to ask me about America. Where did I live? He seemed totally clueless about the size of America. I told him I lived in Oklahoma, and he asked how big that city was. Amazing! I drew a rough outline of North America on the serviette to explain to him that Mexico was a separate country from the US. He didn't understand what a state was, and when I said I hadn't been to New York, he was shocked. Well it's like half the country away!!! Ahh!!! "America iss thee place off opportoonitee isn't it?" he says. "You can get some easy monies there?" I thought, 'learn how to speak English before you go there!' But I just said, "Yeah, it's a pretty cool place. The minimum wage is $5 USD and there's very little unemployment." We were then silent for a bit.

I kept looking around Haefeli's at the groups of people so absorbed in their conversations and little cliques; I felt quite bad that no one ever talks to me as involving as they seem to do with each other. This black guy's conversation is not the type that I want. I mean, it was fine, but I just wish I could have a friend who I could say anything to and who appreciates my interests and my differences from other people, while I appreciate theirs. It seems like so many times I'm merely tolerated by people. They invite me to sit, but hardly say anything to me. It's like I'm surrounded with people, but I'm the loneliest ever. Shungu finally came and took me home, after a delay of 15 minutes while numerous people chatted with him as he was walking out. I think Colleen was the only person who said 'bye' to me.

I got home feeling rather bitter and abandoned. On the one hand, I'm not a major talker, and maybe I don't have the most interesting things to say (because I'm interested in different things than others), but on the other hand, how hard can it be to talk to someone? Am I truly so intimidating that people are afraid to talk to me? Lisa Wilson said that I was hard to talk to because I was intimidating. How!? If someone actually takes the time to talk to me, I can carry on a conversation one on one, but I find it very empty talking about the weather and what we plan on doing over the holiday. I don't know...things are just empty...hollow...emotionless...nothing...void. Am I such a nerd that no one likes music as much as me and wants to discuss guitar or poetry or anything? The conversations I hear others carry on are pretty much nothing. I just can't do that. I think I'll not go to Haefeli's anymore. I'm sure people will say I should come, but I'll just say to them: "If no one talks to me and I just sit there, why should I" Maybe I'm just selfish to want people to accept me. After all, they have their own little world going on...their own Zim lives. What should they care for an American missionary kid who wants bigger things? Having no country doesn't help much when one tries to associate to people. I'll never totally fit in here in Zim, and I never fitted in in the US. I'll just have to enjoy being a solo, as I have always been in my life. I'm quite anxious to move back to the States, hoping that maybe I can find some comfort in the Christian Misfits scene there. The skaters, punks, Goths, who aren't accepted by the traditional Christians, but who don't fit with the worldly groups of the same type. Of course I could always just lose myself in other worlds as is my custom. Video games, books, poetry, music, dreaming...my favourite numbing activities.

[after reading over this months later]: Perhaps I complain too much...and I think that if I want friends, then I need to be a friend...now how do I do that? I've never really known anyone long enough to know what a true friend is...I don't have anything except Jesus...maybe I'm better off than others for that? I don't know...except all I know is that God loves me and He loves everyone else just as much as me...I'm just one person out of countless billions in eternity, trying to find my place...and the tears I've shed trying to be different have been shed in vain...all I have is who God made me to be, and I'll just have to learn that He knows what's best.