Loneliness at Church

Church in the morning was OK. Dave Shepherd spoke; a fairly good message, though with some rather odd stuff.

When we got home we watched Sleeping Dictionary. It was an OK movie, though a bit risque (probably rated R or something, cause we had to fast forward some stuff). It was set in the East, so I enjoyed the environment of the movie at least.

At 3, I left for practice, picking up Kole on the way. It went pretty well, though Gordon was a bit rough around the edges, complaining about my guitar tuning and about not having enough time to do the songs. He reminds me of Dad sometimes. The faster songs went pretty well; I enjoyed playing them. The slow worship songs I didn't play, on account of Gordon needing the chords for one of them, and so used mine, leaving me none, and I didn't feel comfortable playing the rest because of Gordon's complaints. Sometimes I'm not sure how to play on a worship song, especially with having an electric guitar. I try to take off the distortion, but it still sounds so loud and disruptive, so I just keep quiet. It seems acoustic guitars are best for those songs, but I should learn lead guitar so I can play that for those situations.

Rob did the preaching and after the service, we went to Haefeli's as usual. Shungu said he had to go somewhere really quick and then come back and have to go home, so I only expected to be there for 20 minutes or so. I walked in and tried to find someone to talk to and hang with but I couldn't find anyone unoccupied. Geraldine and Lisa said 'hi' from a nearby table, and I asked if Tom liked the party the other night. She said he enjoyed it quite a lot (coolio). Shungu saw us talking (he hadn't left yet) and asked them to 'take care of me' until he came back. They pulled a chair up for me, and so I had no choice but to sit. Geraldine asked a few questions about the holidays, all of which I had very mundane answers to. Then we all awkwardly sat there, as they got out their cell phones to SMS, and I was left, uncomfortably sitting there surrounded by girls.

I saw Alvero across the room and got up at the opportunity to escape. As I got to him, he started talking with a girl, so I waited. After a bit, the girl left and I asked Alvero if there was going to be any band practice on Tuesday if there was not going to be any evening service next week. He said that it'd probably just be a sosh practice. Steve and Gar came by and said 'hi' to me and Alvero, and joked about my dancing at the party: "Did you check Stonecold JC's grooves!? They were tight!" I just smiled, embarrassed. Then Alvero left the group to talk to someone else, and the other guys left too, so I was just standing there with no one to talk to.

Then I spotted Kole at the counter ordering twisty-bread and walked over to him. I asked him about his Winamp5 installation disc and he said he could get it to me during the week. He then went over to a table with Kylie and Tom (the English Tom, not the CBC one) and some black guy I've never seen. Kole invited me to sit, so I sat...and sat...Kylie was absorbed with Tom, the two ignoring everyone else at the table. The black guy looked like he was related to Sami due to similarities in his facial features (namely his nose). He was very slowly and meticulously drawing two sets of three small dashes on top of each other on a serviette and then asked Kole to make an 'S' out of it. He couldn't, and Kylie couldn't then I asked to try (I'd done this before, but simply as a doodle thing. It's not supposed to be hard or anything!) and drew the 'S.' The guy then started talking to me. He asked where I was from, probably because of my accent. I told him and he then proceeded to ask me about America. Where did I live? He seemed totally clueless about the size of America. I told him I lived in Oklahoma, and he asked how big that city was. Amazing! I drew a rough outline of North America on the serviette to explain to him that Mexico was a separate country from the US. He didn't understand what a state was, and when I said I hadn't been to New York, he was shocked. Well it's like half the country away!!! Ahh!!! "America iss thee place off opportoonitee isn't it?" he says. "You can get some easy monies there?" I thought, 'learn how to speak English before you go there!' But I just said, "Yeah, it's a pretty cool place. The minimum wage is $5 USD and there's very little unemployment." We were then silent for a bit.

I kept looking around Haefeli's at the groups of people so absorbed in their conversations and little cliques; I felt quite bad that no one ever talks to me as involving as they seem to do with each other. This black guy's conversation is not the type that I want. I mean, it was fine, but I just wish I could have a friend who I could say anything to and who appreciates my interests and my differences from other people, while I appreciate theirs. It seems like so many times I'm merely tolerated by people. They invite me to sit, but hardly say anything to me. It's like I'm surrounded with people, but I'm the loneliest ever. Shungu finally came and took me home, after a delay of 15 minutes while numerous people chatted with him as he was walking out. I think Colleen was the only person who said 'bye' to me.

I got home feeling rather bitter and abandoned. On the one hand, I'm not a major talker, and maybe I don't have the most interesting things to say (because I'm interested in different things than others), but on the other hand, how hard can it be to talk to someone? Am I truly so intimidating that people are afraid to talk to me? Lisa Wilson said that I was hard to talk to because I was intimidating. How!? If someone actually takes the time to talk to me, I can carry on a conversation one on one, but I find it very empty talking about the weather and what we plan on doing over the holiday. I don't know...things are just empty...hollow...emotionless...nothing...void. Am I such a nerd that no one likes music as much as me and wants to discuss guitar or poetry or anything? The conversations I hear others carry on are pretty much nothing. I just can't do that. I think I'll not go to Haefeli's anymore. I'm sure people will say I should come, but I'll just say to them: "If no one talks to me and I just sit there, why should I" Maybe I'm just selfish to want people to accept me. After all, they have their own little world going on...their own Zim lives. What should they care for an American missionary kid who wants bigger things? Having no country doesn't help much when one tries to associate to people. I'll never totally fit in here in Zim, and I never fitted in in the US. I'll just have to enjoy being a solo, as I have always been in my life. I'm quite anxious to move back to the States, hoping that maybe I can find some comfort in the Christian Misfits scene there. The skaters, punks, Goths, who aren't accepted by the traditional Christians, but who don't fit with the worldly groups of the same type. Of course I could always just lose myself in other worlds as is my custom. Video games, books, poetry, music, dreaming...my favourite numbing activities.

[after reading over this months later]: Perhaps I complain too much...and I think that if I want friends, then I need to be a friend...now how do I do that? I've never really known anyone long enough to know what a true friend is...I don't have anything except Jesus...maybe I'm better off than others for that? I don't know...except all I know is that God loves me and He loves everyone else just as much as me...I'm just one person out of countless billions in eternity, trying to find my place...and the tears I've shed trying to be different have been shed in vain...all I have is who God made me to be, and I'll just have to learn that He knows what's best.