Leaver's Dance...and Love

Well, I'm debating with myself whether or not to go to my Leaver's Dance (like the Prom). The thing is that it could very likely be a big flop and I'd be wasting my time. I went to the Valentine's Day dance earlier in the year and it wasn't all that great...but if my friends go to the Leaver's then maybe it'll be ok...I could at least talk to them...or else just hang with the wall, you know like:

Jordan: What's hangin' man?
Wall: Nothin'...no new pictures or plaques lately...
Jordan: Aww, too bad bro...
Wall: Yeah, I know and I'm pretty flat about it.

Heh, well anyway, the other thing is if I should go with someone or not. I already paid for the single ticket, but I suppose I could just pay the extra if I do ask someone...but I really don't think I will. The other guys probably think I'm crazy to go to a leaver's dance without a date, but I'd rather not get involved right now...I won't be here much longer, and it'd only make leaving hard, and I don't wanna go though all that over again. I just can't bring myself to pursue a relationship which I know will be temporary. I want the first one to be The One...so I'm saving myself for her...if indeed God wants me to get married.

'It's not good for man to be alone,' says the Bible.

And that was even when man was still in fellowship with God; before sin entered the picture. Yet I feel that I should be able to be satisfied completely with God. I'm trying to be satisfied in Him, and make Him my best friend, my most intimate companion, but it's so hard. I sometimes think girls have it easier than guys. God is a father figure, right? So...that's male...and it's just weird trying to love a male when I' one myself...yeah, it's not the same, but the idea is. God has no gender...He's a spirit, so our spirits should blend. It's just so hard to grasp, because it's a love that mankind does not understand...agape love.

A love for God. I feel it a lot...mostly in worship, but I'm never satisfied unless I'm constantly worshipping, and that's not really practical. Yeah, worshipping is not just music. It's a lifestyle. But I'm not perfect yet, so I can't always worship with my lifestyle. And even though I know that God is with me in my loneliness, it still fails to console me...there's an aching in my heart for someone to love. I know it was put there by God, so surely He can fill that need. There must have been a reason why God still made Eve for Adam, even though Adam and He had the closest relationship man has ever had (sin was not there) with God. Yet, wouldn't a relationship with another human detract from the relationship with God? After all, Paul wasn't married, and he was one of the greatest apostles of all time...part of me wants that, but the rest of me just can't remain alone.

The other hindrance is the thought that I could only ever love someone for this lifetime. This brief life...then we die and go to Heaven. But there's no marriage in Heaven (so says the Bible) and so we would no longer have that type of relationship anymore. I suppose when we get to that point God will be all that we want and He would take away any desire that we previously had for anything other than Him. Yet there's a sense of tragedy in that lost love...I can't be at peace about it. To love someone then lose them. Would we actually gain them as well as everybody else forever? If the church becomes the Bride of Christ, then are we all to become one spirit and then marry God? Will my spirit be mixed and lost with all the other billions of spirits from eternity to become one consciousness that loves God? Or would it be more like everyone is still individual, but we all love each other and God? It seems weird...I guess it's just the whole idea of a gender-free spirit that I can't fathom. Is the spirit of a man and a woman exactly the same? Even though we seem so different (more than just the physical)...maybe we're all just the same, which makes me feel unoriginal and not special.

Whatever...all I know is there is a desire in my heart for love...to give my heart to someone...without a doubt I know that I must do such to God, but is there someone else too? Where are you my love? Come soon...

Monday Emotions

A rather uneventful day. I woke up a bit late, due to my late night (again), and did my exercises (32). I finally swept the pool today and backwashed. I watered, and did the usual. I saw some rain clouds, but it never rained...hopefully it will tomorrow or the next day. Ever since I've been doing this gardening stuff, I've come to love the rain quite fondly and gladly welcome it. I've always liked the rain, but now it's coming heralds much more to me than it used to (no work!!!). Anyway, I finished and went swimming for a bit to cool off, then read some more Antony and Cleopatra until supper. We ate together at the table (a rare occurrence lately) and then we - minus Mom - watched the last Marriage video on the responsibility of the husband as being to be loving. So true...it makes me see a lot of weaknesses in some relationships I've seen. Being loving is so much more than emotional feelings, but it includes actions and a purposed will and choice to push onward in spite of contrary feelings to love the other person. And how powerful it must be when one overcomes one's emotions. I struggle with that - I feel like feelings are all that matter and dictate what you do...sure I've known that I shouldn't let them rule me, but I've not been very successful in suppressing them. Emotions are quite strong in me...and I cherish them almost to a fault...because I find it difficult to let go of the past pains and continue in joy. Well, I should go to bed now...