Back from the US - Time for Change

I've decided to change the colours that symbolise my life. No longer black and red...now white and red. Rather than the darkness in my heart, now the light of truth. Still red, but no longer my blood paying for my sins, but Jesus' blood covering them. I realise that I so often surround myself with things which do me no good and simply help me to continue in my depression rather than get me out of it. Dragons and skulls, heavy metal music, screaming, knives and blood, suicide and self-mutilation, full moons and cold wind. These have been the symbols of my depressed life. Yet having them has never helped me...I'm not going to live and die just another loser in this world, I'm gonna do something with myself.

Why the change all of a sudden? Well, where do I start? So much has gone on in my life lately. I finally got to visit America after three and a half years of absence. It has totally changed my world perspective, which is weird because I've lived there before. I guess it's the long absence and conformity to Africa that caused it. When I first arrived, it was like a dream...drifting through memories as I looked out the car window driving from the airport...the night lights of a city...a city from my past...so many memories, bitter and sweet, both. I got to see many things on my trip; looked at some universities. I have no idea where I want to go because I don't know where God wants me to go. But I'm content to wait on Him for the decision. I'm through with listening to my feelings and putting them on my throne, giving them full reign in my life.

I don't really know where the change happened...was it when Heather asked about my quiet times? Can such a simple question be the pebble that sets the rockslide? I know not, but I know for sure that something in me changed on that trip. After I spent a long time crying on the bathroom floor, trying not to let my dad hear me in the room outside, I just broke...I surrendered. Because I had nothing left in me. Nothing left. I saw an old friend, saw how she had grown and matured, yet still retained a joy in her that's so infectious. I felt ashamed at my static life. How so little had happened spiritually to me. I've hardly been held accountable by anyone these three and a half years. I've just kept to myself, held my sorrow to my heart and cradled it, making it my only companion. It's been a lonely existence. Surrounded by people, but feeling farther away than ever, everyone just a blur as I sit and stare into nothing, giving attention to no one but my loneliness. I let it eat at me bit by bit and leaving me hollow, empty...when I saw what I had become, I caved in and cried all the years of pain into Jesus' arms. I gave up trying to control my life. That's what I've been afraid of for so long...losing control...letting someone else take the wheel and drive my life, so afraid that they'll hurt me and leave me alone again after ripping my heart out.

But You, oh God, have never left those who search after You. (Psalm 9:10)

I will make that verse my prayer, my hope and I will trust in God from now on. So much healing has to take place in my heart, it will take time, but I won't worry. Even though part of me is panicking about University and moving away, I won't listen to it, because it's never gotten me anywhere before. I put all of my hope in God...and I leave none in myself, because I am hopeless. I allowed Satan to lie to me and steal my life. He is kicked out now, but damage has been done. God is a healer. I will be healed; the scars will go someday. Until then, all to Him.

I don't know what I want to be in life. I've done well in Maths, Physics, English...I like writing poetry, but I feel that the poetry I've written to date is very selfish and depressing, and how does that glorify God? How does learning super string theory glorify God? And knowing Math processes is only so beneficial. My soul yearns for a deeper meaning and spiritual truth. No matter what I do, I want God to use me. As long as I can rest in knowing that what I put my life towards gives Him the smallest bit of pleasure, I will be satisfied that I have done what I was made for. Even if my guitar skills never improve enough to write music, I'll do what I can and help out at band...I'll keep writing and make my own songs for God. If they're never good enough for CD, all well, it's not about fame or fortune, it's about God. I just want to please God...

I'm not just a man that's been lost in this world, lost in a sea of faces. Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine, because You traded your life for mine. (Kutless "Sea of Faces")

This lyric reflects very well what I feel right now. I'm not going to heaven as a nobody who never did anything for God. And I don't know how to change or be a better person, since I've kept trying but never succeeded, except throw it all on God...I'll humbly put my problems at God's feet and tell Him I can't do it anymore...will You take over, Lord?