I want to start writing again, but it's always so hard to motivate myself to do it. It's never a question of whether I can write or not...I know all I have to do is start and it'll flow out of me. What holds me back is a question of whether what I write is worthy or not...whether it matters...and whether anyone will care. I also worry about whether what I write contains the whole of what I think, and whether that's even possible.
I think I think too much...
Though I suppose it's good to have an overabundance of something rather than a scarcity of it. For then, I just have to learn to hold back and discipline myself to let out just what I need to. And I think that's what I need in my life...there's too much excess everywhere. Too many books I want to read, too much music to collect and listen to. Too many songs I want to master on guitar or sing perfectly on karaoke. It's like there's such a strong urge in me to collect and conquer these lists of activities so that I might feel like I've accomplished something perfectly. It's part OCD and control freak, but it's also part ADD and lack of focus...
I always say that I wish I had clones through whom I could live out all the multitude of things I want to do in my life. But that's not what will give me satisfaction. It's not the completion, the perfection of all things that satisfies; although I'm tempted to call these aspirations excessively grand, perhaps they are in fact short-sighted. I'm reminded of a quote from Star Gate (hey hey, don't make fun! You learn lots of life lessons from TV and other stories!)...I think I just forgot the quote! But it's something along the lines of "If you gain all the knowledge in the world but can't share it with anyone, what good is it?" This is similar in some ways to the Bible's "What good is it to gain the whole world but lose your soul?"
Life is not all about gain and mastery...there are far deeper, far more important things that we often overlook because of their immediate proximity to us...we're always looking out there, far ahead, high atop the mountain, on the other side of the galaxy...the things we aspire to reach someday...and we miss the precious things right next to us that we can have right now.
I'm not saying to tamper your dreams down and get your head out of the clouds necessarily. I'm saying what are we living for? What really motivates our dreams and desires? Perhaps understanding the motivation behind our desires is just as important as identifying what those desires are...
I was discussing with my housemate the other day a similar topic: I hate to miss out on things, because through all the many times our family moved to another city or another country, I've inwardly felt that I was missing out on a possible life, on possible friends. Lost possibilities. I once wrote a poem on that topic that you can find in my blogs here...maybe that's behind my desire to achieve and conquer things as perfectly as possible...so that I know I didn't miss out on something.
From my years moving and being the new kid...sitting on the sidelines and watching other people's lives...wondering if I could fit into theirs...and feeling a gnawing inside that I might just move away from this life eventually and have to say goodbye...goodbye to the possibilities. It's like a sorrow felt for a stillborn future.
But isn't that just foolishness? There are infinite possibilities, and why should I let my reality be so influenced by these realities that may never be? Is that any different from fear? Terror of the unknown...perhaps my imagination gets the best of me in this...I can take any situation and fix my imagination upon it, then watch the possibilities bloom out and explode in manifold parallels...although I can see down so many different pathways, I'm terrified of choosing the wrong one. Because I know a choice once made cannot be undone.
I started this post thinking about why I struggle to write, but I think this all relates to what I've been struggling with in my job hunt these last few months. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice about my life...where to live and what type of job to get...what kind of career I want. Should I stay in LA? If I do, should I work in the entertainment industry or rather go into law and politics? Maybe I should join the peace corp and work for an NGO? But I'd also like to go to Asia...now do I choose Korea or Japan? And when I'm there, should I just do English teaching? Once I'm fluent in the native language, what type of job should I get?
It's almost crippling to be able to imagine all the possibilities...I'm living too much in the future and not enough in the present. One thing I've realized (and it may seem obvious to an onlooker) is that the first job I get after graduating doesn't have to pigeon hole me into that same job for the rest of my life, nor even the same industry. People change jobs all the time...people make career changes...it's not always easy to do so, but it can be done and has been done. Why the hesitation to believe in mobility? Fear again...fear that it won't work out.
The reason I accepted that I wouldn't be able to go to Asia until August was because of fear that a job wouldn't work out for me in time, and that I wouldn't get a subletter to cover my rent here...fear that I would miss out on a chance to work in the entertainment industry here in LA before I went overseas, hoping that Hollywood experience would make me more attractive to entertainment employers in Asia.
I don't usually think of myself as a fearful person. I'm 6'6" and although I'm a bit skinny, I've played rugby with some huge dudes and I've knocked them flat...I'm not afraid of physical things...I'm a mental person. And it's mental fear that I deal with...fear of lost possibilities.
But I'm going to choose to trust that God knows the future and all those possibilities better than I do. I'm going to work on living in the moment that He has set out for me...to be faithful in the now and trust that He'll lead me into the future that's best for me. Like a lantern that only shows the next few steps ahead, I'll trust that and not let my mind wander into the fear of the unlighted darkness beyond the rim of lantern light. Giving reign to such fear is foolish and counterproductive.
God I'm sorry for being afraid. I'll go to Asia and find what you have for me there. Make a way Lord and provide all that I need to do Your will. Amen!
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