Tuesday Boredom

Watched Hunted during breakfast and Phase IV after I started the sprinkler. I went to band practice, learning that there WAS a youth service next Sunday. I played my electric on my amp (Shungu wasn't there to lend me his amp). It sounded horrible...garbled and fuzzy. Rob was leading and had quite a few songs that we hadn't done much at all. I really struggled through it. Nick said that my guitar didn't sound right. That's two guys saying that. Perhaps I can't have my drop C tuning anymore. If I only had another guitar, I could have one normal tuning and the other drop C...well band ended...I still felt alienated from everyone...Dad wanted to check on Fife Street before going home. We got home and had supper...blah, blah...boring, boring...and now I should go to bed and repeat my boredom tomorrow.

Monday Emotions

A rather uneventful day. I woke up a bit late, due to my late night (again), and did my exercises (32). I finally swept the pool today and backwashed. I watered, and did the usual. I saw some rain clouds, but it never rained...hopefully it will tomorrow or the next day. Ever since I've been doing this gardening stuff, I've come to love the rain quite fondly and gladly welcome it. I've always liked the rain, but now it's coming heralds much more to me than it used to (no work!!!). Anyway, I finished and went swimming for a bit to cool off, then read some more Antony and Cleopatra until supper. We ate together at the table (a rare occurrence lately) and then we - minus Mom - watched the last Marriage video on the responsibility of the husband as being to be loving. So true...it makes me see a lot of weaknesses in some relationships I've seen. Being loving is so much more than emotional feelings, but it includes actions and a purposed will and choice to push onward in spite of contrary feelings to love the other person. And how powerful it must be when one overcomes one's emotions. I struggle with that - I feel like feelings are all that matter and dictate what you do...sure I've known that I shouldn't let them rule me, but I've not been very successful in suppressing them. Emotions are quite strong in me...and I cherish them almost to a fault...because I find it difficult to let go of the past pains and continue in joy. Well, I should go to bed now...

Loneliness at Church

Church in the morning was OK. Dave Shepherd spoke; a fairly good message, though with some rather odd stuff.

When we got home we watched Sleeping Dictionary. It was an OK movie, though a bit risque (probably rated R or something, cause we had to fast forward some stuff). It was set in the East, so I enjoyed the environment of the movie at least.

At 3, I left for practice, picking up Kole on the way. It went pretty well, though Gordon was a bit rough around the edges, complaining about my guitar tuning and about not having enough time to do the songs. He reminds me of Dad sometimes. The faster songs went pretty well; I enjoyed playing them. The slow worship songs I didn't play, on account of Gordon needing the chords for one of them, and so used mine, leaving me none, and I didn't feel comfortable playing the rest because of Gordon's complaints. Sometimes I'm not sure how to play on a worship song, especially with having an electric guitar. I try to take off the distortion, but it still sounds so loud and disruptive, so I just keep quiet. It seems acoustic guitars are best for those songs, but I should learn lead guitar so I can play that for those situations.

Rob did the preaching and after the service, we went to Haefeli's as usual. Shungu said he had to go somewhere really quick and then come back and have to go home, so I only expected to be there for 20 minutes or so. I walked in and tried to find someone to talk to and hang with but I couldn't find anyone unoccupied. Geraldine and Lisa said 'hi' from a nearby table, and I asked if Tom liked the party the other night. She said he enjoyed it quite a lot (coolio). Shungu saw us talking (he hadn't left yet) and asked them to 'take care of me' until he came back. They pulled a chair up for me, and so I had no choice but to sit. Geraldine asked a few questions about the holidays, all of which I had very mundane answers to. Then we all awkwardly sat there, as they got out their cell phones to SMS, and I was left, uncomfortably sitting there surrounded by girls.

I saw Alvero across the room and got up at the opportunity to escape. As I got to him, he started talking with a girl, so I waited. After a bit, the girl left and I asked Alvero if there was going to be any band practice on Tuesday if there was not going to be any evening service next week. He said that it'd probably just be a sosh practice. Steve and Gar came by and said 'hi' to me and Alvero, and joked about my dancing at the party: "Did you check Stonecold JC's grooves!? They were tight!" I just smiled, embarrassed. Then Alvero left the group to talk to someone else, and the other guys left too, so I was just standing there with no one to talk to.

Then I spotted Kole at the counter ordering twisty-bread and walked over to him. I asked him about his Winamp5 installation disc and he said he could get it to me during the week. He then went over to a table with Kylie and Tom (the English Tom, not the CBC one) and some black guy I've never seen. Kole invited me to sit, so I sat...and sat...Kylie was absorbed with Tom, the two ignoring everyone else at the table. The black guy looked like he was related to Sami due to similarities in his facial features (namely his nose). He was very slowly and meticulously drawing two sets of three small dashes on top of each other on a serviette and then asked Kole to make an 'S' out of it. He couldn't, and Kylie couldn't then I asked to try (I'd done this before, but simply as a doodle thing. It's not supposed to be hard or anything!) and drew the 'S.' The guy then started talking to me. He asked where I was from, probably because of my accent. I told him and he then proceeded to ask me about America. Where did I live? He seemed totally clueless about the size of America. I told him I lived in Oklahoma, and he asked how big that city was. Amazing! I drew a rough outline of North America on the serviette to explain to him that Mexico was a separate country from the US. He didn't understand what a state was, and when I said I hadn't been to New York, he was shocked. Well it's like half the country away!!! Ahh!!! "America iss thee place off opportoonitee isn't it?" he says. "You can get some easy monies there?" I thought, 'learn how to speak English before you go there!' But I just said, "Yeah, it's a pretty cool place. The minimum wage is $5 USD and there's very little unemployment." We were then silent for a bit.

I kept looking around Haefeli's at the groups of people so absorbed in their conversations and little cliques; I felt quite bad that no one ever talks to me as involving as they seem to do with each other. This black guy's conversation is not the type that I want. I mean, it was fine, but I just wish I could have a friend who I could say anything to and who appreciates my interests and my differences from other people, while I appreciate theirs. It seems like so many times I'm merely tolerated by people. They invite me to sit, but hardly say anything to me. It's like I'm surrounded with people, but I'm the loneliest ever. Shungu finally came and took me home, after a delay of 15 minutes while numerous people chatted with him as he was walking out. I think Colleen was the only person who said 'bye' to me.

I got home feeling rather bitter and abandoned. On the one hand, I'm not a major talker, and maybe I don't have the most interesting things to say (because I'm interested in different things than others), but on the other hand, how hard can it be to talk to someone? Am I truly so intimidating that people are afraid to talk to me? Lisa Wilson said that I was hard to talk to because I was intimidating. How!? If someone actually takes the time to talk to me, I can carry on a conversation one on one, but I find it very empty talking about the weather and what we plan on doing over the holiday. I don't know...things are just empty...hollow...emotionless...nothing...void. Am I such a nerd that no one likes music as much as me and wants to discuss guitar or poetry or anything? The conversations I hear others carry on are pretty much nothing. I just can't do that. I think I'll not go to Haefeli's anymore. I'm sure people will say I should come, but I'll just say to them: "If no one talks to me and I just sit there, why should I" Maybe I'm just selfish to want people to accept me. After all, they have their own little world going on...their own Zim lives. What should they care for an American missionary kid who wants bigger things? Having no country doesn't help much when one tries to associate to people. I'll never totally fit in here in Zim, and I never fitted in in the US. I'll just have to enjoy being a solo, as I have always been in my life. I'm quite anxious to move back to the States, hoping that maybe I can find some comfort in the Christian Misfits scene there. The skaters, punks, Goths, who aren't accepted by the traditional Christians, but who don't fit with the worldly groups of the same type. Of course I could always just lose myself in other worlds as is my custom. Video games, books, poetry, music, dreaming...my favourite numbing activities.

[after reading over this months later]: Perhaps I complain too much...and I think that if I want friends, then I need to be a friend...now how do I do that? I've never really known anyone long enough to know what a true friend is...I don't have anything except Jesus...maybe I'm better off than others for that? I don't know...except all I know is that God loves me and He loves everyone else just as much as me...I'm just one person out of countless billions in eternity, trying to find my place...and the tears I've shed trying to be different have been shed in vain...all I have is who God made me to be, and I'll just have to learn that He knows what's best.

Kylie's Party

The late morning sun found me still in bed, sleeping, due to my late night last night. I got up and ate breakfast while I watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, a fairly good movie, mostly good for eye candy and advancements in filming technology and computer animation than an entertaining plot, but I enjoyed it.

I then got dressed and had my shower and was finally ready for the day around noon, when I did the dishes and then proceeded to ready the pool for vacuum-sweeping. I had the hose connected to the pole and was just ready when I heard the computer's UPS beeping. I waited to see if it continued to beep (which it did) and then went into the house to turn it off; the power was out again.

My dad had a staff party scheduled for 3pm today, so my mom's cooking plans were pretty much ruined. This seems to happen to us a lot; when we're having visitors over for a meal, the electricity cuts on us. So, without electricity, I couldn't sweep the pool, so I went to have lunch, made three tuna fish sandwiches and read Act I of Antony and Cleopatra as I ate. At about 2, while I was still eating, my dad arrived with a car full of people who all came to the living room and so I was pretty much kicked out of there, so thus I ascended to the solace of my room upstairs to finish my reading. I had resolved earlier to keep myself as inconspicuous as possible in the house while the staff party was in play, so I read some more and listened to some music (though softly, since I knew my dad would complain if I played it loud). At about 4 I started getting ready for the party...picked out my highlighters and glo-gear to bring with me, then I went downstairs for a drink of water. Finding no cold, filtered water, I resigned myself to some warm water and nasty ice-cubes (they tasted like plastic). I saw my family out back talking, so I went to listen as I drank, and to my disappointment was then sent off to get the pool running (as would be guessed, the electricity finally did come back on a bit earlier). I did as was requested of me and then went to go back to my room, but Leo saw me and asked if I could play guitar with him (He and another guy had been playing piano and guitar quite noisily ever since arriving at 3 - I could hardly hear anyone on the phone). I told him that I had to get ready for another party and he asked for a better guitar (he was employing a classical at the time). I nodded and brought my dad's acoustic from upstairs, which had been unofficially given to me, and so consoled Leo. Checking my watch and seeing 4:45 - Tom would pick me up at 5:30 - I dashed upstairs to have my shower and spiked my hair, packed my bag and was nearly ready at 5:50, wondering why Tom was late too (but glad of course).

He arrived finally and we set off. We stopped at the Hillside Spar to look for a birthday card (I continually do things last-minute), but couldn't find a single birthday card! They had wedding cards, get-well cards, and baby cards, but no birthday cards of all things!! So I went back out to Tom's car and someone hooted at me. Shungu yelled "Hey Jordan!" from his car nearby as he parked. I greeted him and told him about the card situation. He suggested a store around the corner, which Tom said was closed, so we never did get anything for Kylie (my procrastination is a rather big problem for me). Colleen was in the car with Shungu, and we chatted a bit. She hadn't been back to Zim in over 2 years and was quite glad to visit. Shungu said that he would be at the party around 11 after the Panto, we said our 'c ya l8r's and drove off.

When we found the house, we didn't see any cars parked and wondered what was up. I got out just as Kole came walking up the driveway to open the gate. He said we were the first to come, so Tom parked, though rather worried about how he would get out if a whole bunch of cars parked behind him, and we went in the house. We said 'hi' to Kylie and I introduced Tom to her (she told me I could bring friends even if she didn't know them). Then we waited. Finally some people came and calmed our worries that the party would be rather unattended. Kole was DJing with Graeme on the computer and some teeny speakers which I looked upon rather doubtfully. Yet they could crank the volume pretty well - well enough anyway. We pretty much just stood around and talked...not much dancing. Finally Shungu arrived at 10:30 or so and got the party going a bit. The guy just makes you laugh and loosen up...quite cool. So we finally danced until midnight, at which point I had to go, concluding a pretty cool night.

Holiday Happenings...mowing the lawn and cell group

I mowed the lawn today...fun, fun, it took almost the whole day: from 10:30 to 12:40 and then 2:00 to 5:00. We have such a huge lawn, so it was big work, but I finally finished. My dad says that I should feel satisfied that I worked so well, but I think my after-feeling was one of more relief than satisfaction.

In the middle of mowing, I found Toby harassing a lizard, one of those beautiful blue and yellow, colorful ones. He was throwing it around and it landed on it's back, kicking it's legs about. I felt sorry for it and ran over, pulled Toby off and picked the lizard up. He didn't seem too badly damaged except for two bloody holes near it's tail. The guy just stuck his head up at me and opened his mouth real wide, as if trying to intimidate me...hehe...brave dude. I showed Ally, who wanted to touch it but didn't want to get bitten, but I don't think it was going to bite. Besides it wouldn't hurt much if she did get bitten since lizards have such small teeth meant only for crushing bugs and stuff. So anyway, I let him go outside the gate so Toby couldn't find him again.

The cell group people started coming around 7:05; Jono, Sean (sp?), Arthur, Antoinette, Keelin, Tom, Jo, Pam, Rob and Tracy, Boise, Kole, Kylie, Thulani and that other girl, Graeme, Ryan and his cousin, Donald? were those who came. It was pretty cool. We watched the second video in the I Kissed Dating Goodbye series. It was titled "Purity" and was dealing with remaining sexual pure, as well as in thoughts and other things. Very good series, I must say. That lasted about 50 minutes, then we began discussing...cell was cool. This time I actually told them that there's coffee and food, so it all got eaten (last week I had neglected to mention anything and nothing got eaten). People started leaving around 10:30...Sean realized that she had locked her keys in her car, so I went and got a wire hanger and Rob proceeded to demonstrate the uselessness of Solex locks. It probably only took 5 minutes of work before he caught the latch and popped the lock. At least Sean got into her car, but it sure makes me question the security of our cars...So the last of them left around 11, and that takes my day to the present where I'm writing now.

I'm excited about Kylie's birthday party tomorrow, should be good...60+ people 6pm to 1am. Although Dad doesn't think I should stay out so late, but I see no problem as long as I catch up on the sleep I miss. It's the holidays after all! I'm gonna spike my hair, use UV gel, do some kanji drawings on my arms and stuff...gonna dance like mad! Sweetness...it's been awhile since I've done that...too long! But I need some sleep now...until tomorrow night!!!