Leaver's Dance...and Love

Well, I'm debating with myself whether or not to go to my Leaver's Dance (like the Prom). The thing is that it could very likely be a big flop and I'd be wasting my time. I went to the Valentine's Day dance earlier in the year and it wasn't all that great...but if my friends go to the Leaver's then maybe it'll be ok...I could at least talk to them...or else just hang with the wall, you know like:

Jordan: What's hangin' man?
Wall: Nothin'...no new pictures or plaques lately...
Jordan: Aww, too bad bro...
Wall: Yeah, I know and I'm pretty flat about it.

Heh, well anyway, the other thing is if I should go with someone or not. I already paid for the single ticket, but I suppose I could just pay the extra if I do ask someone...but I really don't think I will. The other guys probably think I'm crazy to go to a leaver's dance without a date, but I'd rather not get involved right now...I won't be here much longer, and it'd only make leaving hard, and I don't wanna go though all that over again. I just can't bring myself to pursue a relationship which I know will be temporary. I want the first one to be The One...so I'm saving myself for her...if indeed God wants me to get married.

'It's not good for man to be alone,' says the Bible.

And that was even when man was still in fellowship with God; before sin entered the picture. Yet I feel that I should be able to be satisfied completely with God. I'm trying to be satisfied in Him, and make Him my best friend, my most intimate companion, but it's so hard. I sometimes think girls have it easier than guys. God is a father figure, right? So...that's male...and it's just weird trying to love a male when I' one myself...yeah, it's not the same, but the idea is. God has no gender...He's a spirit, so our spirits should blend. It's just so hard to grasp, because it's a love that mankind does not understand...agape love.

A love for God. I feel it a lot...mostly in worship, but I'm never satisfied unless I'm constantly worshipping, and that's not really practical. Yeah, worshipping is not just music. It's a lifestyle. But I'm not perfect yet, so I can't always worship with my lifestyle. And even though I know that God is with me in my loneliness, it still fails to console me...there's an aching in my heart for someone to love. I know it was put there by God, so surely He can fill that need. There must have been a reason why God still made Eve for Adam, even though Adam and He had the closest relationship man has ever had (sin was not there) with God. Yet, wouldn't a relationship with another human detract from the relationship with God? After all, Paul wasn't married, and he was one of the greatest apostles of all time...part of me wants that, but the rest of me just can't remain alone.

The other hindrance is the thought that I could only ever love someone for this lifetime. This brief life...then we die and go to Heaven. But there's no marriage in Heaven (so says the Bible) and so we would no longer have that type of relationship anymore. I suppose when we get to that point God will be all that we want and He would take away any desire that we previously had for anything other than Him. Yet there's a sense of tragedy in that lost love...I can't be at peace about it. To love someone then lose them. Would we actually gain them as well as everybody else forever? If the church becomes the Bride of Christ, then are we all to become one spirit and then marry God? Will my spirit be mixed and lost with all the other billions of spirits from eternity to become one consciousness that loves God? Or would it be more like everyone is still individual, but we all love each other and God? It seems weird...I guess it's just the whole idea of a gender-free spirit that I can't fathom. Is the spirit of a man and a woman exactly the same? Even though we seem so different (more than just the physical)...maybe we're all just the same, which makes me feel unoriginal and not special.

Whatever...all I know is there is a desire in my heart for love...to give my heart to someone...without a doubt I know that I must do such to God, but is there someone else too? Where are you my love? Come soon...

Hope

Just something I want to say...no matter who you are reading this...no matter what you've gone through or are going through now. Life gets difficult at time, but don't give up. Never give up on yourself. I think you'll find that hope is a more faithful friend than you may have ever thought possible. Never give up hope.

Back from the US - Time for Change

I've decided to change the colours that symbolise my life. No longer black and red...now white and red. Rather than the darkness in my heart, now the light of truth. Still red, but no longer my blood paying for my sins, but Jesus' blood covering them. I realise that I so often surround myself with things which do me no good and simply help me to continue in my depression rather than get me out of it. Dragons and skulls, heavy metal music, screaming, knives and blood, suicide and self-mutilation, full moons and cold wind. These have been the symbols of my depressed life. Yet having them has never helped me...I'm not going to live and die just another loser in this world, I'm gonna do something with myself.

Why the change all of a sudden? Well, where do I start? So much has gone on in my life lately. I finally got to visit America after three and a half years of absence. It has totally changed my world perspective, which is weird because I've lived there before. I guess it's the long absence and conformity to Africa that caused it. When I first arrived, it was like a dream...drifting through memories as I looked out the car window driving from the airport...the night lights of a city...a city from my past...so many memories, bitter and sweet, both. I got to see many things on my trip; looked at some universities. I have no idea where I want to go because I don't know where God wants me to go. But I'm content to wait on Him for the decision. I'm through with listening to my feelings and putting them on my throne, giving them full reign in my life.

I don't really know where the change happened...was it when Heather asked about my quiet times? Can such a simple question be the pebble that sets the rockslide? I know not, but I know for sure that something in me changed on that trip. After I spent a long time crying on the bathroom floor, trying not to let my dad hear me in the room outside, I just broke...I surrendered. Because I had nothing left in me. Nothing left. I saw an old friend, saw how she had grown and matured, yet still retained a joy in her that's so infectious. I felt ashamed at my static life. How so little had happened spiritually to me. I've hardly been held accountable by anyone these three and a half years. I've just kept to myself, held my sorrow to my heart and cradled it, making it my only companion. It's been a lonely existence. Surrounded by people, but feeling farther away than ever, everyone just a blur as I sit and stare into nothing, giving attention to no one but my loneliness. I let it eat at me bit by bit and leaving me hollow, empty...when I saw what I had become, I caved in and cried all the years of pain into Jesus' arms. I gave up trying to control my life. That's what I've been afraid of for so long...losing control...letting someone else take the wheel and drive my life, so afraid that they'll hurt me and leave me alone again after ripping my heart out.

But You, oh God, have never left those who search after You. (Psalm 9:10)

I will make that verse my prayer, my hope and I will trust in God from now on. So much healing has to take place in my heart, it will take time, but I won't worry. Even though part of me is panicking about University and moving away, I won't listen to it, because it's never gotten me anywhere before. I put all of my hope in God...and I leave none in myself, because I am hopeless. I allowed Satan to lie to me and steal my life. He is kicked out now, but damage has been done. God is a healer. I will be healed; the scars will go someday. Until then, all to Him.

I don't know what I want to be in life. I've done well in Maths, Physics, English...I like writing poetry, but I feel that the poetry I've written to date is very selfish and depressing, and how does that glorify God? How does learning super string theory glorify God? And knowing Math processes is only so beneficial. My soul yearns for a deeper meaning and spiritual truth. No matter what I do, I want God to use me. As long as I can rest in knowing that what I put my life towards gives Him the smallest bit of pleasure, I will be satisfied that I have done what I was made for. Even if my guitar skills never improve enough to write music, I'll do what I can and help out at band...I'll keep writing and make my own songs for God. If they're never good enough for CD, all well, it's not about fame or fortune, it's about God. I just want to please God...

I'm not just a man that's been lost in this world, lost in a sea of faces. Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine, because You traded your life for mine. (Kutless "Sea of Faces")

This lyric reflects very well what I feel right now. I'm not going to heaven as a nobody who never did anything for God. And I don't know how to change or be a better person, since I've kept trying but never succeeded, except throw it all on God...I'll humbly put my problems at God's feet and tell Him I can't do it anymore...will You take over, Lord?