Fear of Taking the Wrong Path

I want to start writing again, but it's always so hard to motivate myself to do it. It's never a question of whether I can write or not...I know all I have to do is start and it'll flow out of me. What holds me back is a question of whether what I write is worthy or not...whether it matters...and whether anyone will care. I also worry about whether what I write contains the whole of what I think, and whether that's even possible.

I think I think too much...

Though I suppose it's good to have an overabundance of something rather than a scarcity of it. For then, I just have to learn to hold back and discipline myself to let out just what I need to. And I think that's what I need in my life...there's too much excess everywhere. Too many books I want to read, too much music to collect and listen to. Too many songs I want to master on guitar or sing perfectly on karaoke. It's like there's such a strong urge in me to collect and conquer these lists of activities so that I might feel like I've accomplished something perfectly. It's part OCD and control freak, but it's also part ADD and lack of focus...

I always say that I wish I had clones through whom I could live out all the multitude of things I want to do in my life. But that's not what will give me satisfaction. It's not the completion, the perfection of all things that satisfies; although I'm tempted to call these aspirations excessively grand, perhaps they are in fact short-sighted. I'm reminded of a quote from Star Gate (hey hey, don't make fun! You learn lots of life lessons from TV and other stories!)...I think I just forgot the quote! But it's something along the lines of "If you gain all the knowledge in the world but can't share it with anyone, what good is it?" This is similar in some ways to the Bible's "What good is it to gain the whole world but lose your soul?"

Life is not all about gain and mastery...there are far deeper, far more important things that we often overlook because of their immediate proximity to us...we're always looking out there, far ahead, high atop the mountain, on the other side of the galaxy...the things we aspire to reach someday...and we miss the precious things right next to us that we can have right now.

I'm not saying to tamper your dreams down and get your head out of the clouds necessarily. I'm saying what are we living for? What really motivates our dreams and desires? Perhaps understanding the motivation behind our desires is just as important as identifying what those desires are...

I was discussing with my housemate the other day a similar topic: I hate to miss out on things, because through all the many times our family moved to another city or another country, I've inwardly felt that I was missing out on a possible life, on possible friends. Lost possibilities. I once wrote a poem on that topic that you can find in my blogs here...maybe that's behind my desire to achieve and conquer things as perfectly as possible...so that I know I didn't miss out on something.

From my years moving and being the new kid...sitting on the sidelines and watching other people's lives...wondering if I could fit into theirs...and feeling a gnawing inside that I might just move away from this life eventually and have to say goodbye...goodbye to the possibilities. It's like a sorrow felt for a stillborn future.

But isn't that just foolishness? There are infinite possibilities, and why should I let my reality be so influenced by these realities that may never be? Is that any different from fear? Terror of the unknown...perhaps my imagination gets the best of me in this...I can take any situation and fix my imagination upon it, then watch the possibilities bloom out and explode in manifold parallels...although I can see down so many different pathways, I'm terrified of choosing the wrong one. Because I know a choice once made cannot be undone.

I started this post thinking about why I struggle to write, but I think this all relates to what I've been struggling with in my job hunt these last few months. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice about my life...where to live and what type of job to get...what kind of career I want. Should I stay in LA? If I do, should I work in the entertainment industry or rather go into law and politics? Maybe I should join the peace corp and work for an NGO? But I'd also like to go to Asia...now do I choose Korea or Japan? And when I'm there, should I just do English teaching? Once I'm fluent in the native language, what type of job should I get?

It's almost crippling to be able to imagine all the possibilities...I'm living too much in the future and not enough in the present. One thing I've realized (and it may seem obvious to an onlooker) is that the first job I get after graduating doesn't have to pigeon hole me into that same job for the rest of my life, nor even the same industry. People change jobs all the time...people make career changes...it's not always easy to do so, but it can be done and has been done. Why the hesitation to believe in mobility? Fear again...fear that it won't work out.

The reason I accepted that I wouldn't be able to go to Asia until August was because of fear that a job wouldn't work out for me in time, and that I wouldn't get a subletter to cover my rent here...fear that I would miss out on a chance to work in the entertainment industry here in LA before I went overseas, hoping that Hollywood experience would make me more attractive to entertainment employers in Asia.

I don't usually think of myself as a fearful person. I'm 6'6" and although I'm a bit skinny, I've played rugby with some huge dudes and I've knocked them flat...I'm not afraid of physical things...I'm a mental person. And it's mental fear that I deal with...fear of lost possibilities.

But I'm going to choose to trust that God knows the future and all those possibilities better than I do. I'm going to work on living in the moment that He has set out for me...to be faithful in the now and trust that He'll lead me into the future that's best for me. Like a lantern that only shows the next few steps ahead, I'll trust that and not let my mind wander into the fear of the unlighted darkness beyond the rim of lantern light. Giving reign to such fear is foolish and counterproductive.

God I'm sorry for being afraid. I'll go to Asia and find what you have for me there. Make a way Lord and provide all that I need to do Your will. Amen!

Golden Week

(I am trying to find the best soundtrack against which to write this, but nothing fits my mood right now…and too often in the past I have sat down with the aim to write on a certain topic, but the music I listened to changed my mood and I never wrote what I had planned to. Thus, I am writing this against a background of silence with my noise-canceling headphones on, and nothing but faint car engine sounds from the street outside, the echoes of a heartbeat as blood pounds in my ears, and the plastic clacking of my keyboard as I try to turn emotion into words…)

The space bar ticks away like a clock...

I never made any plans for Golden Week. At first I had wanted to go to Kyoto, but since it's one of the most popular destinations during this holiday, it would be way too crowded and I probably wouldn't enjoy it as much as I could if I went some other time. Besides, I've done a staggering amount of sightseeing and exploring since coming to Japan and both my mind and body are really quite exhausted from all the new stimulation and experiences. If I decided to go on any more trips before sitting down and processing everything, it would all just be a blur and I would experience it all through only half-aware senses, like ordering a rich dessert after you've already stuffed your stomach to the limits - you just don't appreciate the dessert's value unless you wait and digest for a little while. So after one more excursion to Yokohama with some friends on the first Saturday of Golden Week, I decided not to go out until I had resolved some inner issues. Even on Sunday I woke up to get ready for Life Group and a day of church, but I felt in my heart that it would just be more busyness, and I didn't need any more of that; God wanted me to stay home and spend some time with Him. So I did.

At first I decided to use this free time to catch up on all of my homework and readings for class and knock out my first paper assignment so later on I wouldn't be as rushed, so I read one story for my Modern Japanese Fiction class, stretched out on my futon, the pages of the story spread over the floor in front of me. The story was supposed to be an example of a shift in the style of Japanese literature from the more traditional Romanticism to modern Naturalism. It was about an impoverished maid who decided to hang herself when she found out her lazy husband had stolen a bag of charcoal from a store and she knew they would be found out. The story had no emotion, the narrator completely stoic and unfeeling, only stating exactly what happened without any commentary upon events. It left me depressed - I don't like literature like that - so after jotting down a few notes on my reaction to the story, I took my laptop to the dining room and checked my email - hoping there would be enough facebook updates to give me a fix to ease my sadness. There were some, but as always it never quenched my thirst for heart-to-heart interaction.

And so far this writing isn't either….

So much of this break I've just been lying around thinking, trying to be productive, but usually staying up late into the night and sleeping in late into the day too entranced with my dreams to want to come back to reality…my dreams have been so vivid here, and even though I don't remember every piece of story that they held, there's little moments and flashes of them that stick with me. I always remember how my dreams make me feel. And they've been powerful lately…like they're a deeper reality than the waking world.

I read The Little Prince this week. It was great…short enough to read in one sitting, but it was packed full of great symbolism and meaning. I want to write things like this - entertaining but didactic.

I've been trying to orient myself in the last few days…not worrying about homework or any schedules or anything - just centering myself and remembering who I am and what I'm all about...

I have dreams…but I don't know exactly what they are or how to explain them…all I know is that inside of me grows something big, something deep…I know its dimensions, but I don't know its nature…it's too abstract to find the right words. My writing is a way of developing these dreams and bringing them into this world.

Through all of these flashes of thoughts I am well aware of how weird I may seem to those who read this…and to you I really don't have much to say in way of defense. I am who I am, and when I write, I want to write from my heart. I will never apologize for what comes out of my heart, for if I ever did, then I would be rejecting what makes me ME, and such a thing would be unforgivable. My entire life I have wrestled within my heart to try to understand what comes out of it. As a kid I let my heart dream freely…gave it free reign like a kite with no one holding the string. Then as I grew older and I became more aware of the larger world around me, I began to chastise my heart, pulling it down from the sky, and tried to control what it felt and did…but that only brought pain and depression. Through this long struggle I have decided that a life lived in slavery to rules is no life at all…there is no freedom there. And at the same time a life lived in complete surrender to selfish desire is fruitless and only leads to pain and death not only for myself but for others. The way in between is difficult to find - a place where you are true to yourself, but being aware that you share the world with other hearts and each action you take sends ripples through life that touch others.

Though I am a loner, I am not alone…it is true that no man is an island. Even though I withdraw from everyone else to meditate on life, I cannot remain like this; I must go out. Otherwise my heart becomes stagnant and dull. Thus communication with others is essential, and to me art is the essence of communication. Now, by communication I don't just mean talking or explaining something verbally. Although I know we can't always have deep conversations, I really get no satisfaction out of small talk. It has it's place and all, but after hanging out with people who only ever talk about inconsequential things, I always go away hungry for more.

One of my frustrations with hanging out with people here in Japan is that people just want to go do something entertaining…something that grabs your attention and drills pleasure into your senses, then releases you to go home.  I don't want to just go through my life being entertained for the moment…I want something more everlasting…I want the substance of life! I haven't met many people who follow this wavelength, or if they do, they don't talk about it…and so that is what I wander around on my own looking for...

I love traveling because everywhere I go and everything I see reveals more of the mystery of life that I dream about. I find it in short bursts of light and color…like a chance locking of eyes with a stranger coupled with a shy smile, then rushing on through the anonymous city…or the way the sun hits a little waterway snaking between concrete buildings at just the right angle to transform it from a nasty off-green color to a glittering of sparkling diamonds splattering everywhere…or when the wind blows through the train station just perfectly so the lady strutting in high heels in the opposite direction as you, completely consumed in her cell phone text message, looks like a model on a runway, her amber hair swirling behind her in a dance. There are so many moments like these that I see…and they only last for a second, then float away forever. I try to capture them in writing by carrying around a small notepad with me and jotting down notes as soon as I can…but beauty can never be completely captured…that's its nature…it's wild and free…no words could ever retell its true essence perfectly. I think that's what haunts most artists…never being able to truly communicate what they see with their heart. But they still manage to create masterpieces that touch just that spot in others to give them a glimpse of the beauty that the artist saw.

That is the art I want to create...

Why's this incomplete?

OK, so as you've noticed this blog is very fragmented and incomplete...see the thing is I'm finding it hard to get the time to write down everything that's been going on.  I've been so distracted by the whole experience and wonder of this place and so my time has been spent exploring and discovering rather than processing and downloading my thoughts...but now that school has started, I can try again to do this blog like I planned to...so there's more to come, but I figured if I just posted some of what I have, it'll get the momentum going!

Chorus of Sniffing

During my first few days of riding the trains in Tokyo, the weather was a bit on the cold side and a lot of people had runny noses. As I made my way to Sophia, I was holding onto the hand rails of one of the trains, just listening and observing, taking in the experience of the life of a commuter. Then my ears caught the sound of someone sniffing. I looked over at a man in a black suit with a white mask over his mouth. He must have been wearing the mask to keep everyone from getting his germs; how thoughtful of him. But then I heard more sniffing, and as I focused my hearing further, I realized that there was a consistent repetition of sniffs. Here and there, all over the train car people were sniffing. Yet the thing I didn't hear was anyone blowing their nose. They just kept sniffing, trying to keep everything in, while gravity kept frustrating their efforts. I remembered hearing from one of my International Relations T.A.s that in Korea it's rude to blow your nose in public. I wonder if the same is true in Japan? Although I have been in a ramen shop and the guy right next to me blew his nose rather loudly and no one else in the shop looked at him in offense. I have seen a few other instances where someone has done something that I heard was rude to do, but none of the other Japanese appeared to think it was. So my guess is that in Japan, it's all about context. They aren't narrow-mindedly following a cultural norm no matter where they go or what situation they're in; most of their customs originate in a desire to be thoughtful of others and to help society function more efficiently as a whole.

On reading a Japanese story set in the old pleasure quarters of Edo

Perhaps the reason why the stereotype of the Japanese housewife as a boring individual unable to please her husband is because, left alone at home there is little intellectual stimulation for her mind.  The same goes with common male laborers; it has nothing to do with one's sex!  And because the ancient Japanese courtesans were trained in the arts - poetry and music, etc - they were far more appealing to Japanese men than their dull, timid housewives.  No wonder they frequented the pleasure quarter so often.  It wasn't only bodily lust, but it was intellectual lust as well.  Be sure that your wife doesn't only stimulate you physically with her appearance but also mentally with her intellect and fascinating personality.  And she needs hobbies to keep her spirit bright and alive; if all she does is household chores, her dreams and spirits will dim for lack of use.  The woman that you fall in love with and marry should be nurtured as she is and watered so that she grows and blooms more beautiful.  A wife is not a wild flower that you pick because you admire it's beauty, then just leave it lying around to decay.  Instead, you need to pull it up from the roots carefully and put it in your personal garden to nurture and care for it, then enjoy watching her flourish as you lavishly pour your love upon her.

Note: this is a thought fragment, people!  Not a well researched theoretical essay, so don't get all irascible if you mistakenly think I'm a misogynist or something...I don't have time to be politically correct and account for every possible way you might interpret what I write...

Beauty from Afar

Somehow it seems that only in silent removal of myself from everything can I appreciate the beauty of things.  The touching scenes of a movie have nothing to do with me.  And I did not give a flower it's beauty.  These are all far beyond my reach.  So what then is beauty that involves me in it?  And can I sense it without withdrawing from it?

Railroad Crossings

The bells keep ringing, warning of death...and they ring throughout this city: death!  death!  ご注意！ It's no wonder I smell the stench of fear...

Beauty

If the majestic was meant to be impersonal, why do we so desire beauty?

Waiting in my hotel room

We stayed in a hotel last night near Narita Airport, and today we drive into Tokyo to stay at another hotel. I keep waking up at 4:30 am...I guess part of it is jet-lag, but mostly I just want to be let loose on Tokyo! So much to explore! This is going to be one amazing adventure over the next few months! =D

The Night Before

So I'm nervous but extremely excited. Well maybe just anxious is a better word than nervous. It's just such a different place from anywhere I've ever been before, but I can't wait to see what God has in store.

30 Randomocities...seems to be the latest wave of 'in' on the net

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 30 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 30 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. As a kid I used to climb up into trees and bend the branches to make a bed, then I would take afternoon naps up there.

2. The most frequently asked question directed towards me is "How tall are you?" And I'm tired of hearing it! I'm 6'6" and yes, I know I'm tall, but I did nothing to earn it; that's the way I am. I don't go around asking how short people are. I guess I like the attention, but it just gets really old after awhile, you know?

3. The second most frequently asked question directed towards me is "Do you play basketball?" And my answer is "I played in high school, but it's not really my favorite sport." This is usually met with a polite nod from the questioner and a cessation of the conversation since they no longer find me interesting to talk to since I’m not the star basketball player they hoped I was. You might think I have a complex about my height, but I'm merely being observant about situations I find myself in frequently.

4. The hardest question for me to answer is "Where's home?"

5. When I was a kid, I found an injured baby pigeon in my yard and took care of it until it was better. I named it Tweety, and after I let it go, if I stood under a particular tree and did a bird call it would call back to me. Sometimes it would just fly onto my shoulder or head when it saw me outside.

6. To this day, I am convinced that I have some of Crocodile Dundee's skill in communicating with animals, and on the occasion will attempt to strike up conversations with squirrels that I encounter. I promise, I'm not crazy. ;)

7. I day dream a lot, and often get caught up in my own world. My dad used to send me to the local park with an exercise list for me to do in preparation for football season. When I was out there doing my exercises I would spend my breaks trying to figure out the different calls of the field birds. When I played soccer, I usually played defender, and so had many times when I wasn't directly involved in the action. I would usually start daydreaming about the princess in the latest fantasy book I was reading. Then when she was kidnapped in the story, I would get angry and vow to play the soccer game for her…many shins were kicked. It gave me extra energy…like a sort of berserk mode.

8. One of my favorite pastimes as a kid was to catch butterflies with a handmade net and put them in glass jars with breathing holes. But when they all started dying, I felt badly about it and buried them. From then on I would only keep them in jars for a few minutes so I could show my mom, then I would let them go.

9. I also went through a frog collecting phase and at one point had at least 30 frogs in my bathtub.

10. When I was one or two (my parents aren't immediately at hand for consultation to verify my age), when I had not yet learned how to walk, my black lab named Nero ran away from home, and I followed him, crawling out of the yard and around the neighborhood. My parents tell me they finally found me on my way to crawling onto a busy road. We never found Nero. =/

11. I have played tug-o-war with a lion cub and a stick. It's amazing how strong they are!

12. I have had very mixed experiences with horses. My first experience was when I was little. My dad was riding a horse with me holding on behind him. He started galloping and I fell off right into a big puddle of mud! Bad start to horses. Then, in first grade we would have show-and-tell by bringing something in a bag and choosing someone to put their hand in the bag to feel and guess what the object was. For my show-and-tell, I borrowed my sister's Barbie horse and chose the girl that I liked as my guesser - she loved horses! Later, in music class, she rewarded my efforts by pulling me into her lap and kissing me. =D I once went on a horse-back safari and we trotted along with a herd of zebra. We got quite close to a rhino, but luckily there were no mishaps that time. Then there was the time that I got tick fever after riding a horse, and was sick in bed for a week straight. And the latest incident with horses was on a horse-back tour in the Drakensberg Mountains of South Africa. Our tour guide was leading the way along a narrow path near the edge of a cliff when she suddenly decided it'd be a good idea to start galloping. My sister's horse bolted after the tour guide's, and my horse also decided to race off to catch up. Now, English saddles do not have pommels like American saddles, and I had no idea how to ride a horse in a gallop. I saw my sister's horse stop up ahead and my sister fall off the saddle next to the horse. Then I was thrown over my horse's head onto the ground in front of it and watched it jump over me. Thankfully it didn't step on me. In spite of the incredible back pain and nasty bruise from the fall, along with my other experiences, one day I would like to become a fairly proficient equestrian.

13. I once got second in a spelling bee…and the word I misspelled was….'stallion'!!!! GRRRRRRR, those darn horses!

14. My first grade field trip was prematurely interrupted by a family of rhinoceros. We had to abandon our lunch on the picnic tables and then the monkeys came and stole everything before we could come back for it.

15. The late Vice President of Zimbabwe, Joshua Nkomo, once kissed my hand when I met him.

16. I have played the following sports for at least one season: American Football, Rugby, Soccer, Field Hockey, Basketball, long-distance running, swimming. Out of these I'd say my favorite is Rugby...followed closely by hacky sack ;D. I have never been seriously injured from any of these sports, though I'd say I have more scars from three years of rugby scrapes than from all of the other sports combined.

17. I have played guitar since I was 14, but it has not been consistent and my skills are still very mediocre. Nevertheless, I love playing!

18. In elementary school in America I once brought a bag of dried worms from Africa to class and tried to make money off of my classmates by charging them to see me eat the worms. Unfortunately the other guys in my class weren't grossed out enough by the idea and ate some themselves…no profit was made =/

19. In middle school and intermittently during high school, I would style my hair into individual spikes that covered my head. It would take me up to 30 minutes every morning for me to be satisfied that every spike was perfectly in place, and I missed the bus for school several times because of this vanity. Not proud of this fact, but I did get many compliments on my hair!

20. I am a perfectionist and I have a very critical eye for most things. However, I have come a long way in toning down my obsessive nature.

21. I eat absolutely anything and can't really think of anything I would flat out refuse. There are foods I don't enjoy very much, but I could still eat them. Although, despite my attempts at becoming Japanese, natto is just not very appealing. =/

22. Nicknames I've had over the years: Scooby, Shaggy, Jordie, Stone Cold, JC, George, Yank(ee), Big Friendly Giant (BFG), Schecter, Justin (>_<), Daniel (I don't know how they got that one), Zulu Missile, Silent Pimp (SP) <--- don't ask! ;P

23. I looooooooovvvvvvveeeeeeee reading! I love stories in any shape or form: books, video games, song lyrics, oral, paintings, whathaveyou. My favorite genre is sci-fi/fantasy. Classics and epic poetry are also tasty...

24. I want to be a writer - not just the next Tolkien and Lewis, but something different. I want my writing to be practical as well as imaginative. I want it to connect fantasy to reality so that people don't just want to live in my created world, but they want to go out into the real world and do something to change the way things are so that it might be just a bit closer to paradise. I am currently working on my first novel - naturally, a sci-fi/fantasy epic.

25. I've been in a music video - Demon Hunter's "Fading Away." It was awesome.

26. My sense of humor is very dry and quite often jokes are discovered only through convoluted and stream-of-thought reasoning, so no one but myself finds the joke funny. I am, however, quite capable of appreciating most all other types of humor; I'm just not good at making the jokes myself.

27. I am descended from Vikings, but I was born and grew up in Africa, my citizenship is American, and I secretly believe I am Asian inside.

28. Weird talents include: flipping my eyelids inside-out, double-jointed in almost all fingers, flapping my scapulae like wings. As a kid when I first figured out how to cross my eyes, I would go around claiming that I had the ability to see through objects, and I honestly believed I could…it was much later that I realized I was only seeing through an image of the object, not the object itself!

29. I have lived in 5 different countries (soon to be 6), and have gone to 9 different school systems (soon to be 10). Despite my veteran status at it, moving is still not easy for me.

30. I'm horrible at small talk because I mostly only speak to gather information or give it out. Usually I am too caught up in thinking about things and about what other people have said to think about what I should say. I guess this makes my skills of listening and observation pretty good, which helps me as a writer…I love a good description.

- This was easier than I thought it would be…brought back a lot of memories…but I only had 30 slots and embellished too much, so I'm finishing here.

I'm in a music video!

I was in this band's fan club so I got invited along with my friend to Universal Studios to be in Demon Hunter's "Fading Away" Music Video. My roles: 1. Shadow 2. Headbanger 

The filming is very jumpy and chaotic so it's hard to find where Meharban and I are in the video, but I managed to find these spots:
- 2:46 - the right shadow at the top of the steps
- 2:17 - top of stairs - meharban here too?
- 2:15 - top of stairs...
- 1:57 ?
- 1:10 - Meharban @ left shoulder of Ryan
- 1:07-1:04 - jackpot!!
- 0:50 catch a slight glimpse of Meharban's blueberry turban near Ryan's left ear
- 0:43 - Meharban again
- 0:32 - my head in the back ground - the afro dude
- 0:14 - in background throwing up horns
- 0:10 - background again

Ah, God is so good!  Yesterday started rather poorly...I was woken up quite early by my dad who said that he wanted me to run some errands in town...the very day after getting my license!  It was quite frustrating...I went to get an ink cartridge, 'cause my mom had to print something that morning...but they didn't have it, so they said they'd refill one of ours and it'd be ready Monday, several days later...so my mom was quite upset about that...but what could I do?  Then I went to get some bolts for making shelves in the storage room...and then dropped off the electric sander at my dad's office at Ascot...and when I got home finished the shelves...hmmm, you know in retrospect, it doesn't sound like a very bad day...just a bit busy...but anyway, I know that I was quite upset with my dad for waking me up so early...but I guess it was a bit selfish....ANYWAY!!!  That's over...the rest of the day was pretty cool...Kuns came over and we played guitar a bit...he had a stash of pedals...quite sweet...and he gave one of them to me!  'Metal Factory' it's called....ah...sweet distortion...mmm...yeah, then Shungu called...hadn't talked to him for over a year...and invited us to his get-together at his place...so around 5 or so we drove over there...and everyone was there!  Like so many guys...Rob and Tracy, Jess, Tarryn, Sam, Nick Simpson, T.K., Alvero, obviously Shungu...ah...lots of guys...and Ryan even brough Mdu...which was really cool...great to see him there.  I'm not sure if he's a Christian...but it's great that Ryan's reaching out.  Yessss...and someone pushed Kuns into the pool in his clothes...got all wet...and I have leather seats in my car, man!  But he dried up pretty well...sat on a towel and stuff, so everything was cool...we had a time of sharing after the socializing...just saying what God had done in our lives in 2005...it was quite cool, really...yeah...and there's so many guys leaving the country...it's weird...makes me wonder who's gonna still be at the church...but I'm sure there's gonna be plenty...it's just gonna be different tho...but I can tell that others are being trained up...there will be new musicians...new leaders...it'll be fine.  Yes, so the day actually went pretty well...and I thank God for such great friends...even though I didn't do all that much while I was here...there were always people to go to for talking...I think their personal witness did more for me than any church sermons I heard during my stay here.  It's just so encouraging what God can do in a heart that's surrendered to Him....mmm...well, I got stuff to do...packing and stuff, so adieu!

---

2 Comments

Hey... saw you on the Missionary Kids Blogring.  My mom was a missionary in Zambia, Africa but she got married to a "missionary kid" from Burma and now they're both in Thailand... which is where I was born and am now employed under our mission.
Anyway... just thought I'd pop in and say hey, and to ask you a few questions about Africa if you're up for it. (just let me know if you're not)  Oh... and the whole drivers license thing... out of respect for my older sister, i waited six months after she got hers before getting mine.  That seems to be a big deal for the older brother/sister.  Why is that?

Posted 1/7/2006 at 5:1 AM by tropics_girl

Hey, thanks for posting...you are officially the second person to post on my site! Congratulations...hehe...yeah, I wouldn't mind talking about Africa...ask anything you want and I'll do my best at answering...you can either ask me on here or email me...it's your choice...

Posted 1/7/2006 at 4:3 PM by Dark_Vidar

Driver's License Part II

Well, I finally got my driver's license today! And I'm only 19, whoohoo!...*note the sarcasm* Well, at least I've got it now, and my sister got it just a few hours after me...and she's only 17. But, hey that doesn't matter. I got it and I never have to go back to the stupid Zimbabwe Vehicle Inspection Depot ever again!!! Praise God, I'm so relieved! Hmmm...what else did I do today? I got an ink cartridge for my Mom (the first errand I was sent on with my newly acquired license). Oh, I almost got stung by a wasp in the eye - not very fun. I'm just glad my eye lashes stopped it from getting in. I couldn't imagine a sting in the eye - yuck! That happened as I was helping my dad put shelves up in the storage room...which took a long time...till sundown, and we were all sweaty, and the pool looked so inviting...so we took a dunk - very refreshing. Played with Toby, torturing his impressionable mind, hah, it was a pretty good day! Tomorrow I should be able to have a guitar jam session with Kuns before he goes back to the UK...gonna be sweet, can't wait. Yessss...well, don't know what else to say, but I guess posting something which isn't overly exciting is better than not posting anything at all? Yeah,well, see ya!

Driver's License

Well, I'm busy working on getting my driver's license, and I must say that it is one of the most stressful things I've ever tried to do! Doing anything that involves the government in this country is so incredibly inefficient and frustrating! I've wasted so many days just waiting in queues and waiting for them to be on time for things. But it needs to be done...I need my license before I get to the States, cause I don't wanna be a burden to my g-ma. I'm 19 anyway! I could have had my license 3 years ago! Yeah...oh, yes, yes, I'm going back to the States. Jan. 26 is the date and Tulsa, Oklahoma the place. I'm gonna live with my grandma and find a job to earn and save money until university in August/September. No, I'm not sure which one just yet. Stanford didn't accept me...which is disappointing. I mean, yeah it's like one of the best unis in the US...it just would have been great to have known that I could have gone there...but my rest has been in knowing that if I was meant to go there, then I would have been accepted...so obviously God has other plans for me. The other four universities I'm waiting on for replies...I don't expect them until February/March next year. Yeah...I've been going through all of my stuff...sorting out what I'm gonna take to the US...what I'm gonna leave behind...throw away...sell...and the memories come flooding back as I see the objects of my past. My heart aches with it...and I know it's gonna be hard...I don't think I'm going to hold on to very much stuff...my life does not lie in physical objects...and I can't dwell on memories and could-have-beens...I am being given another chance to start over...to begin afresh and build myself up from the ground. I feel the call to grow up...to really become mature in my relationship with God. And it's been a long time in coming...but perfect timing for God. It's just all in His hands...all of it...

Computer Crash

Well my computer crashed yesterday...lost a lot of my stuff...stuff that can't be replaced. I know it sounds really stupid but it hurt to lose those things...because I had spent so much time working on them...and for it to all just go...man, it's hard to take. I lost some of my music...but I can always buy CDs again...I lost all of my archived emails, some of which were 5 years old...huge text files...very sentimental...gone. My poetry...I don't know if I lost anything that isn't somewhere else...because I take the paper copy and type it up, then throw away the paper...I'm just glad I posted the majority of it on here so at least I still have that stuff. I lost all my games...which I suppose isn't a major loss...you can always download them again or buy them...although it takes a lot of time on a 56k modem to regain several gigabytes of info. I also lost a lot of pictures: of friends, of the moon, of me, pictures of bands I like (a lot of them), but I guess the biggest loss of all is time. I've spent so much time organizing and arranging my stuff, and using it; for that work to go just feels like a lot of my time was stolen from me...and I guess it all goes to that Bible verse: "do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth where thieves break in and the moth destroys" (and where computers crash!)...I guess it's in Matthew, but I don't know. So I think the best thing to do is let the stuff go...it's gone...and not make things more important than they should be in the future...also to back up my stuff! But really, honestly...if our house burnt to the ground and I lost everything...I would really hurt...even though God would still be there for me. He's the one thing that the world can't take away...so if everything is taken from me and I feel bitter about it...does that mean that I'm wrong? Deep inside I feel that it means I've not made God everything to me...even though I sing it and pray it..."God be everything to me" it's just not happened yet...but God promised that He would finish the work he began in me, so I'll hold on to that promise, and even though I'm not sinless and selfless yet, I trust that one day I will be. That's all I have to hope in...and if it's not true then what is the point in Christ dying? Surely He died to set us free, and if it's an incomplete freedom, is it freedom at all. So then Christ has set us free and so we are free indeed. I am free from sin...it will just take some time to remove it's effects completely from my life. But in the spiritual realm I am free already...God I won't give up...cause when everything is gone...You aren't...You're always here for me and I know You won't leave me alone.

Leaver's Dance...and Love

Well, I'm debating with myself whether or not to go to my Leaver's Dance (like the Prom). The thing is that it could very likely be a big flop and I'd be wasting my time. I went to the Valentine's Day dance earlier in the year and it wasn't all that great...but if my friends go to the Leaver's then maybe it'll be ok...I could at least talk to them...or else just hang with the wall, you know like:

Jordan: What's hangin' man?
Wall: Nothin'...no new pictures or plaques lately...
Jordan: Aww, too bad bro...
Wall: Yeah, I know and I'm pretty flat about it.

Heh, well anyway, the other thing is if I should go with someone or not. I already paid for the single ticket, but I suppose I could just pay the extra if I do ask someone...but I really don't think I will. The other guys probably think I'm crazy to go to a leaver's dance without a date, but I'd rather not get involved right now...I won't be here much longer, and it'd only make leaving hard, and I don't wanna go though all that over again. I just can't bring myself to pursue a relationship which I know will be temporary. I want the first one to be The One...so I'm saving myself for her...if indeed God wants me to get married.

'It's not good for man to be alone,' says the Bible.

And that was even when man was still in fellowship with God; before sin entered the picture. Yet I feel that I should be able to be satisfied completely with God. I'm trying to be satisfied in Him, and make Him my best friend, my most intimate companion, but it's so hard. I sometimes think girls have it easier than guys. God is a father figure, right? So...that's male...and it's just weird trying to love a male when I' one myself...yeah, it's not the same, but the idea is. God has no gender...He's a spirit, so our spirits should blend. It's just so hard to grasp, because it's a love that mankind does not understand...agape love.

A love for God. I feel it a lot...mostly in worship, but I'm never satisfied unless I'm constantly worshipping, and that's not really practical. Yeah, worshipping is not just music. It's a lifestyle. But I'm not perfect yet, so I can't always worship with my lifestyle. And even though I know that God is with me in my loneliness, it still fails to console me...there's an aching in my heart for someone to love. I know it was put there by God, so surely He can fill that need. There must have been a reason why God still made Eve for Adam, even though Adam and He had the closest relationship man has ever had (sin was not there) with God. Yet, wouldn't a relationship with another human detract from the relationship with God? After all, Paul wasn't married, and he was one of the greatest apostles of all time...part of me wants that, but the rest of me just can't remain alone.

The other hindrance is the thought that I could only ever love someone for this lifetime. This brief life...then we die and go to Heaven. But there's no marriage in Heaven (so says the Bible) and so we would no longer have that type of relationship anymore. I suppose when we get to that point God will be all that we want and He would take away any desire that we previously had for anything other than Him. Yet there's a sense of tragedy in that lost love...I can't be at peace about it. To love someone then lose them. Would we actually gain them as well as everybody else forever? If the church becomes the Bride of Christ, then are we all to become one spirit and then marry God? Will my spirit be mixed and lost with all the other billions of spirits from eternity to become one consciousness that loves God? Or would it be more like everyone is still individual, but we all love each other and God? It seems weird...I guess it's just the whole idea of a gender-free spirit that I can't fathom. Is the spirit of a man and a woman exactly the same? Even though we seem so different (more than just the physical)...maybe we're all just the same, which makes me feel unoriginal and not special.

Whatever...all I know is there is a desire in my heart for love...to give my heart to someone...without a doubt I know that I must do such to God, but is there someone else too? Where are you my love? Come soon...

Hope

Just something I want to say...no matter who you are reading this...no matter what you've gone through or are going through now. Life gets difficult at time, but don't give up. Never give up on yourself. I think you'll find that hope is a more faithful friend than you may have ever thought possible. Never give up hope.

Back from the US - Time for Change

I've decided to change the colours that symbolise my life. No longer black and red...now white and red. Rather than the darkness in my heart, now the light of truth. Still red, but no longer my blood paying for my sins, but Jesus' blood covering them. I realise that I so often surround myself with things which do me no good and simply help me to continue in my depression rather than get me out of it. Dragons and skulls, heavy metal music, screaming, knives and blood, suicide and self-mutilation, full moons and cold wind. These have been the symbols of my depressed life. Yet having them has never helped me...I'm not going to live and die just another loser in this world, I'm gonna do something with myself.

Why the change all of a sudden? Well, where do I start? So much has gone on in my life lately. I finally got to visit America after three and a half years of absence. It has totally changed my world perspective, which is weird because I've lived there before. I guess it's the long absence and conformity to Africa that caused it. When I first arrived, it was like a dream...drifting through memories as I looked out the car window driving from the airport...the night lights of a city...a city from my past...so many memories, bitter and sweet, both. I got to see many things on my trip; looked at some universities. I have no idea where I want to go because I don't know where God wants me to go. But I'm content to wait on Him for the decision. I'm through with listening to my feelings and putting them on my throne, giving them full reign in my life.

I don't really know where the change happened...was it when Heather asked about my quiet times? Can such a simple question be the pebble that sets the rockslide? I know not, but I know for sure that something in me changed on that trip. After I spent a long time crying on the bathroom floor, trying not to let my dad hear me in the room outside, I just broke...I surrendered. Because I had nothing left in me. Nothing left. I saw an old friend, saw how she had grown and matured, yet still retained a joy in her that's so infectious. I felt ashamed at my static life. How so little had happened spiritually to me. I've hardly been held accountable by anyone these three and a half years. I've just kept to myself, held my sorrow to my heart and cradled it, making it my only companion. It's been a lonely existence. Surrounded by people, but feeling farther away than ever, everyone just a blur as I sit and stare into nothing, giving attention to no one but my loneliness. I let it eat at me bit by bit and leaving me hollow, empty...when I saw what I had become, I caved in and cried all the years of pain into Jesus' arms. I gave up trying to control my life. That's what I've been afraid of for so long...losing control...letting someone else take the wheel and drive my life, so afraid that they'll hurt me and leave me alone again after ripping my heart out.

But You, oh God, have never left those who search after You. (Psalm 9:10)

I will make that verse my prayer, my hope and I will trust in God from now on. So much healing has to take place in my heart, it will take time, but I won't worry. Even though part of me is panicking about University and moving away, I won't listen to it, because it's never gotten me anywhere before. I put all of my hope in God...and I leave none in myself, because I am hopeless. I allowed Satan to lie to me and steal my life. He is kicked out now, but damage has been done. God is a healer. I will be healed; the scars will go someday. Until then, all to Him.

I don't know what I want to be in life. I've done well in Maths, Physics, English...I like writing poetry, but I feel that the poetry I've written to date is very selfish and depressing, and how does that glorify God? How does learning super string theory glorify God? And knowing Math processes is only so beneficial. My soul yearns for a deeper meaning and spiritual truth. No matter what I do, I want God to use me. As long as I can rest in knowing that what I put my life towards gives Him the smallest bit of pleasure, I will be satisfied that I have done what I was made for. Even if my guitar skills never improve enough to write music, I'll do what I can and help out at band...I'll keep writing and make my own songs for God. If they're never good enough for CD, all well, it's not about fame or fortune, it's about God. I just want to please God...

I'm not just a man that's been lost in this world, lost in a sea of faces. Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine, because You traded your life for mine. (Kutless "Sea of Faces")

This lyric reflects very well what I feel right now. I'm not going to heaven as a nobody who never did anything for God. And I don't know how to change or be a better person, since I've kept trying but never succeeded, except throw it all on God...I'll humbly put my problems at God's feet and tell Him I can't do it anymore...will You take over, Lord?

Tuesday Boredom

Watched Hunted during breakfast and Phase IV after I started the sprinkler. I went to band practice, learning that there WAS a youth service next Sunday. I played my electric on my amp (Shungu wasn't there to lend me his amp). It sounded horrible...garbled and fuzzy. Rob was leading and had quite a few songs that we hadn't done much at all. I really struggled through it. Nick said that my guitar didn't sound right. That's two guys saying that. Perhaps I can't have my drop C tuning anymore. If I only had another guitar, I could have one normal tuning and the other drop C...well band ended...I still felt alienated from everyone...Dad wanted to check on Fife Street before going home. We got home and had supper...blah, blah...boring, boring...and now I should go to bed and repeat my boredom tomorrow.